No one likes an angry person

Since so many people this week have been talking about mental health issues I thought I would talk about mine.

Right now I'm going through one of the worst bouts of depression in my life. It has gotten to the point where I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to go out and face the world. I'd rather just hide and try to sleep it all away.

People in general have become more accepting of mental health issues and the stigma that is attached to them.

I feel like there is one exception to this rule and it concerns bad anger management.

I've been in anger management for over ten years now. Not being able to control my temper has pretty much ruined my life and driven away so many people who cared about me.

Right now I can proudly say that I have my anger in check, for the first time in my life. Instead of solving the problem this has only created a new one.

You see my temper or my excessive anger served a purpose: it was my armour and it protected me from feeling pain. Now that I don't have it anymore the armour is off, my guard is down and the pain is unbearable at times.

The stigma is the shame I feel because of all the bad things I've done in the past to hurt people. Last week I bumped into someone who had a lot of knowledge of 'Angry Neil' and she did a double take when she first saw me.

I get it a lot. Even ten years after the fact I feel like I'm held up and judged for the person I used to be and the things I did.

People aren't very understanding when it comes to anger management problems.

I was talking about this with a fellow student yesterday. She told me that if I was an angry person, people at school would shun me.

My response was that I didn't think it would be possible for people to shun me more at school than they already have and continue to do so.

I just want to say that I don't think this about everyone. I have met some very nice people in the program.

I also realize that some of this is my fault. I do get very anxious when it comes to certain social situations so this year I've just completely avoided them.

There are times when I'd rather have people think I'm a snob than to know the truth.
Because of this someone from the program that I've never had a class with took to social media to take a cheap shot at me. They said that I felt like I was separate from the group. I guess it hurt because it's true. Most of the time at school I feel all alone.

I can't stand living here. To me this is the coldest, loneliest, most depressing place to live in the world. I think a lot of it right now is the weather and it's making things worse.

I know people get upset when I talk about Korea but there is a reason for that.

Winnipeg has never been a kind place to me. As a kid I was bullied in school. I used to hate going and when I did go I would try to shrink myself as much as possible. The point was to be invisible so no one would notice me.

I feel like that now.

I'm frustrated to the point where I just feel like giving up on everything. I really don't know how I'm going to pull myself out of this one and I really need some help.

I tried calling my therapist to set up an appointment but she is upset at me right now because I missed too many appointments, after she specifically told me not to do this.

I miss Korea so much right now. I miss my friends. The friendliest people you will ever meet are ex-pats in Korea. It's the only place I've ever felt like that welcomed me with open arms and made me feel like I belong.

I honestly don't know how much longer I can take this. I probably shouldn't have used such a public forum to talk about this but part of my probelm in Winnipeg is I have no one to talk to.

Any advice from anyone would be greatly appreciated.