No one likes an angry person

Since so many people this week have been talking about mental health issues I thought I would talk about mine.

Right now I'm going through one of the worst bouts of depression in my life. It has gotten to the point where I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to go out and face the world. I'd rather just hide and try to sleep it all away.

People in general have become more accepting of mental health issues and the stigma that is attached to them.

I feel like there is one exception to this rule and it concerns bad anger management.

I've been in anger management for over ten years now. Not being able to control my temper has pretty much ruined my life and driven away so many people who cared about me.

Right now I can proudly say that I have my anger in check, for the first time in my life. Instead of solving the problem this has only created a new one.

You see my temper or my excessive anger served a purpose: it was my armour and it protected me from feeling pain. Now that I don't have it anymore the armour is off, my guard is down and the pain is unbearable at times.

The stigma is the shame I feel because of all the bad things I've done in the past to hurt people. Last week I bumped into someone who had a lot of knowledge of 'Angry Neil' and she did a double take when she first saw me.

I get it a lot. Even ten years after the fact I feel like I'm held up and judged for the person I used to be and the things I did.

People aren't very understanding when it comes to anger management problems.

I was talking about this with a fellow student yesterday. She told me that if I was an angry person, people at school would shun me.

My response was that I didn't think it would be possible for people to shun me more at school than they already have and continue to do so.

I just want to say that I don't think this about everyone. I have met some very nice people in the program.

I also realize that some of this is my fault. I do get very anxious when it comes to certain social situations so this year I've just completely avoided them.

There are times when I'd rather have people think I'm a snob than to know the truth.
Because of this someone from the program that I've never had a class with took to social media to take a cheap shot at me. They said that I felt like I was separate from the group. I guess it hurt because it's true. Most of the time at school I feel all alone.

I can't stand living here. To me this is the coldest, loneliest, most depressing place to live in the world. I think a lot of it right now is the weather and it's making things worse.

I know people get upset when I talk about Korea but there is a reason for that.

Winnipeg has never been a kind place to me. As a kid I was bullied in school. I used to hate going and when I did go I would try to shrink myself as much as possible. The point was to be invisible so no one would notice me.

I feel like that now.

I'm frustrated to the point where I just feel like giving up on everything. I really don't know how I'm going to pull myself out of this one and I really need some help.

I tried calling my therapist to set up an appointment but she is upset at me right now because I missed too many appointments, after she specifically told me not to do this.

I miss Korea so much right now. I miss my friends. The friendliest people you will ever meet are ex-pats in Korea. It's the only place I've ever felt like that welcomed me with open arms and made me feel like I belong.

I honestly don't know how much longer I can take this. I probably shouldn't have used such a public forum to talk about this but part of my probelm in Winnipeg is I have no one to talk to.

Any advice from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

Grace in Defeat

I arrived at Lucky Luc's in St. Agathe a few minutes before eight. The establishment was mostly empty except for a group of my fellow journalism students.

 I knew NDP candidate Dean Harder many years ago. We took the same acting class at PTE, but it's been so long we couldn't remember which one.

When I got there they were already asking questions. It almost looked to me like they were giving him the third degree. I couldn't believe some of the questions they were asking him.

I think he was nice enough to talk to them for a while, but had to conveniently excuse himself to go write a speech for after the results had come in. I couldn't blame him.

He didn't have a pen so I let him borrow mine. He came back a few minutes later and borrowed my other pen because the one I had given him didn't work.

I went to university with his wife. She actually directed me in a play. It was called Rosencrantz and Guildernstern are Dead. I got to fulfill an acting dream of sorts by playing the role of Hamlet.

When I saw her I don't think she was quite certain how to react.

I hadn't seen either of them in at least a decade.

As the results started coming in it very quickly became apparent he wasn't doing very well. Soon after PC candidate Shannon Martin was declared the victor.

According to Elections Manitoba, Martin received 2,642 votes while second place Harder ended up with 488.

Liberal candidate Jeremy Barber finished close behind Harder with 422. Independent candidate Ray Shaw received 138 votes, while Alain Landry of the Green Party came in last with 85.

During the last election in 2011 there were only three candidates, with Mavis Taillieu of the PCs winning the seat with 73.6% of the vote, according to the Winnipeg Sun.

Mohamed Alli of the NDP had 19.26% of the vote while Janelle Mailhot of the Liberals only had 6.5%.

Before the totals were announced Harder wouldn't say what his goal was for the byelection. Afterwards he admitted to being disappointed he was unable to match the results of the previous candidate.

Speaking to those assembled, Harder was very humble.

"One of the best things about the weather is we were helping people."

He then talked about how he would help boost cars while out on the campaign trail.

During his speech his father, who was seated at the table next to the press corps, kept his eyes closed, back turned and face pointed at the ground.

After his son was finished speaking the elder Harder got up and addressed the crowd, which included the mayor of Morris.

A few minutes later I was back on the road heading home.

My Favourite Assignment

It's not secret to anyone who knows me that I am a very big hockey fan.  To go to my first Jet game at the MTS Centre I traveled seventeen hours by plane to get there. After I arrived I went straight to the rink.

For the last year and a half I have been studying journalism. My favourite part about journalism is going out and talking to people.

This past week I got to combine the two as I got to cover the Jets vs Oilers game, which included going into the dressing room after the game to interview players.
After watching the game in the press box I have to say that it's a lot more fan to watch the game in the stands. In the press box you're not allowed to cheer or boo or do any of the fun stuff you get to do in the crowd.

My favourite Jet just happens to be Jacob Trouba and I was hoping I'd get a chance to interview him after the game. When I finally got the chance to ask him a question, I froze up.

It was the first time I was nervous doing an interview since my first year in CreComm. One of the reporters before me had asked some of the questions I was going to ask so I was left scrounging to think of a new one.

I'm hoping what I came up with sounded at least half intelligent, but I'm not too sure.
I don't think I did much better with Mark Scheifele.

Speaking with another student who had gone through the same thing in class made me feel a little bit better. During his first time in the locker room he said he was so nervous he didn't even ask a single question.

The only time I was that nervous was when Paul Maurice was having his press conference after the game. I thought of asking him a question, but chickened out.

Sometimes you have to be careful of what you ask for and for me this was one of those cases.
After conducting countless of interviews and having no problem coming up with questions I was at a loss.

I tried to get some good advice before the game. For a number of years now I have been
corresponding with Dave Molinari of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.

Molinari has been recognised by the Hockey Hall of Fame for his work covering the NHL as a print journalist.

He had lots of good advice.

He recommended that I try to avoid scrums and try to get players one-on-one. He closed with this:

"I'm guessing that you realize it is important that you observe the proper decorum in the press box. No cheering, no booing, no nothing above a conversational tone. No seeking autographs in the locker room, either. Take your cues from how the regulars comport themselves. And have fun."

Thanks Dave. I did. I made a few minor mistakes but I think I learned from them. If I ever get the chance again I'll know what to do.

Next time, I won't be nervous.

cheers

rymr

Fun with Twitter!!!

When I started my career at Red River College way back in September of 2013 I knew very little about Twitter and the social media. About seventeen months later I’ve learned a little. This education was accelerated last week when I was given a Twitter assignment for my News Radio class.

For the class we are required to listen to talk radio for fifteen minutes every day during the week and then tweet about it.

With the hash tag #NewsRadio we are supposed to tweet five times a week. This will be a significant increase over my regular Twitter activity. (in the past I’ve gone months without using it)

For some reason I’ve never fully embraced Twitter. I’m not really sure why that is.

In general I am not a big personal fan of Social Media, although I can see the professional benefits.

 I only joined Facebook because I was in Korea and didn’t know anybody. After I found out there was a group for people in Guri I decided to sign up. I ended up meeting so many people because of it.

When I first heard about Facebook I thought it was totally lame. I resisted joining and only signed up because I felt I had to. I had been in Korea for less than a month and didn’t know anyone in my area.

This might sound strange, but I could go weeks without seeing another white face in public. There weren’t very many people for me to talk to.

The social media known as Facebook put an end to all of this.

Basically I had a need and Facebook was able to fulfill it. (find friends who spoke my language)

So far, due to my own professional blindness, I have not been able to discover the same thing about Twitter.

This changed last week. Suddenly, Twitter has a purpose. Going on twitter and posting  five times a week will help me get a good grade in my class.

But there is more.

I had an interesting first week embracing Twitter.

For my first tweet I wrote about what I heard on the Charles Adler radio program on CJOB. Taking the instructor’s advice, I made sure to include the Twitter handles of the people I was writing about, and this would allow them to read it.

My first tweet got re-tweeted by Charles Adler. I was so proud.

 For my next tweet, I wrote about something I heard on the Nighthawk, another show on CJOB. They were talking about the Harper government and whether or not it was afraid of science.

Of course I made sure to include Harper’s twitter handle. A few minutes later I got re-tweeted. It happened again a few minutes after that.

Some conspiracy nuts/groups decided to share my tweet and mention me in others. I wasn’t sure what to make of this.

I hope this doesn’t mean I’m on some nut job/wacko list myself.

If I am, we all know who to blame.

Cheers,

Rymr.

Tail Between My Legs

How did I end up here?

When I was in University I decided to take theatre. It wasn't because I thought I would be really good at it, but because I was very shy and wanted to go to the parties. I figured it would be a really good way to meet women.

The shy guy who couldn't talk to anyone was elected class representative to serve on the board of directors of the Black Hole Theatre Company at the University of Manitoba. The board was in charge of approving submissions from students who wanted to direct and put on plays during lunch time.

It was called a lunch bag (not sure how they spelled it but it wasn't like this).

The first time I was in a position to vote there were no submissions. Instead of cancelling the show I found a script and put together a pretty good show. It was a big success. (I directed)

During the next vote we once again received no submissions. The program was hoping students from the OnStage class would submit but nobody had. After the meeting I spoke with one of the students in the class who had wanted to submit but couldn't get the rights. I told him to go speak to Dennis Smith, the technical director of the company.

The next day we had a meeting to approve a new submission. I ended up getting the lead role in the show. It was different but well received.

I was rewarded for all of this hard work with a dream assignment. There were talks of a master playwright festival and it just so happened that the playwright they were going to do that year was my favourite writer, Samuel Beckett.

I got to direct Krapp's Last Tape.

Before that show went up I auditioned for Kelly Stifora who cast me as the lead in Fat Men In Skirts.

Guy Maddin came to see the performance. When I saw George Toles the next day, without asking him what he thought of my performance (I never asked) he told me how impressed Maddin had been.

He said I was the kind of actor who could carry a movie.

So where did it all go wrong?

Poor anger management was all the self-sabotage I needed to completely derail all of my success and any chance I had to make a career out of doing something I truly loved and was good at.

Acting was never hard for me. It was just something I knew how to do as if nobody ever had to teach me.

I was a natural.

Writing just isn't as easy.

In December I did a work placement at the Selkirk Record. It did not go as well as I thought it would.

As it turns out I'm not as good a journalist as I thought I was.

For the last little while I have had my tail between my legs. I feel humble.

I'm not going to give up. I just need to try harder.

For someone who has had things so easy his entire life this will probably be a good thing.

I need to work harder and develop more of a work ethic.

I guess that's why I'm here.